The world is full of danger: Swine Flu, no-one ticking they like you at speed-dating, and of course swallowing monkeys that aren't quite dead. Rest assured Troy, Malcolm and Brian understand what you're going through - and we have the cards to prove it.

If you are currently on a tea-break, why not take a little time to understand a little more about them...

The heroes of our piece are Troy and Malcolm. Heroes hampered by their minute stature, facial inexpression and limited joint articulation.

But rather than scrounge a living on incapacity benefit, our friends charge at life like horny rhinos on angel dust. Their ensuing misadventures are now captured for the first time on digital stills for the gawping public’s merriment and disgust.

They are the golden couple for our time. Think Peter and Jordan, think Mills and McCartney, think Robson and Jerome … then think bigger, then much smaller, then more wooden.

Watch the story unfold and know that you were here at the beginning. The opening line of the first chapter in the fourth book of an Odysseyic trilogy told in two parts… a middle and a bit before the end. A story born from unsustainably-produced Amazonian hardwood cleared to make way for Soya crops, then hewn into little men, “sans cocks”.

So let Troy and Malcolm take you by their fingerless hands and flick your funny bean till you laugh so hard milk sprays from your nose.

Come, my friends, let’s get wood…